King of the Hill

I wrote this a year ago on Facebook, just and oversized blurb, but I liked it, thought it was funny, and I’m rewriting it. 

Christianity was the main man in his glory days.  The cool guy.  Camaro, smoking in the parking lot, pumping AC/DC, rulling the roost that was high school for a full four years.  He was on top of the world; best seat in the cafeteria, coolest, best looking friends, and just last week he scored two touchdowns against their main football rival.  Christianity got pussy.  Christianity got a lot of pussy.

Then he graduated high school, and entered the real world.

At first he did ok.  He hung out with his buddies for shots and brewskies after hard days at the car dealership (owned by his dad and his birthright in the future), He visited his old high high school and the kids and teachers who were old enough to remember him still worshiped the ground he walked on.  Hell, now that he was twenty and legal, he finally got that blow job from the hot math teacher behind the bleachers.

But something was…. missing.

The older Christianity got, the further removed from high school he became, he noticed that people didn’t treat him like he felt he should be treated.  There were other religions out there, and anti-religions, and science, and nobody was really more important than the other.  He was slowly becoming just another face, and it pissed him right the fuck off.

He didn’t age gracefully like Buddha.  It wasn’t that he still had his mullet, or that he was getting fatter, or even that his Camero was rusty and should have been junked for a hybrid years ago.  Not, it wasn’t physical appearance, but the fact that he still thought he should be top of the heap.  Those touchdowns from years gone by should still matter.  He should still be getting all that pussy.  He refused to grow up.  He refused to accept that he just wasn’t as cool as he used to be.

So what happened to Christianity?  Well, you know, he had a few kids (some tuned out all right, some are crazier than batshit), kept his job and eventually ran the car dealership (where he really was one hell of an employee and, to his credit, he did have to go through hell to become the boss), got some inside influence in the local political scene, but just couldn’t listen to reason and let go of his glory days.

So he got all his batshit crazy kids to push his beliefs on others.

The end.


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